Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Hemorrhoid Chronicles Part 1

Why hemorrhoid you ask?  Because this is about my brother, and he has always been a real pain in my a$$!

Hemmy (I gotta shorten it, but you know the real meaning behind the nickname) and I grew up in the water.  We both took swimming lessons from a very young age and I can honestly say, we took to it pretty naturally.  It was a pretty natural progression to go from swim lessons to swim team, and that's exactly what we did.  I started competitive swimming when I was eight, Hemmy followed a year later.  

Swimming is a great sport, I was just commenting to Peanut's mom the other day that you rarely get injured, you are always clean, and your hair gets nice and shiny!  Hemmy and I really did LOVE swimming.

We had been training and competing for a few years.  Meets were once or twice a month and usually (at least in the early years) within driving distance.  

This particular meet was in Regina, the capital of Saskatchewan.  Hemmy was 11 and I was almost 13.  About midway through the meet Hemmy was getting ready for a race.  The dutiful, responsible, loving sister that I was, I parked myself behind his lane so that I could cheer him on.  Hemmy takes off his sweatpants and puts his goggles on his forehead.  As the referee is blowing the whistle to signal the swimmers to get on the blocks I notice something is terribly wrong. 

Hemmy has to pee.

Poor guy was standing on the blocks quivering in his Speedo's willing himself not to pee.  He couldn't hold it any longer.  The pee starts to trickle slowly down his leg.  My mom, who was across the pool in the stands, gets the bright idea to jump up, point at me, and in a megaphone voice says "RIKKI, GET YOUR BROTHER A CUP TO PEE IN!".  

At this point, Hemmy has all but emptied his bladder, the parent responsible for starting the races decides to finally shoot off the gun and Hemmy finally gets to dive away from his predicament.

And I am left there.  Red faced.  The sister of the boy who just peed himself on the starting block.  The daughter of the crazy lady who decided it would be a good idea to have her son PEE IN A CUP!

Hemmy came away unscathed.  He has always had confidence and charisma and was able to laugh about the entire ordeal.  Lucky bastard.

But whenever we are together we make sure to gang up on my mom and give her shit about her quick thinking "GET HIM A CUP" across a 50 meter pool.


Rozema Family said...

I just spit coffee all over my screen reading this! thanks for the laugh

grandma D said...

Can't you just Write about the times when "I " didn't do Dorky things? ? ? Like.... how about the time when you were making Jello and YOU added the jello powder to the Kettle because the instructions said Add to water! HAHAHAHAHAHAHa!!!! That was funny........
LYAT xxxxoooo

Rikki said...

Mom! This is my blog, I can't make myself look dorky (or more dorky then I already do),

Thanks for being a good sport! :)

LiteralDan said...

All I can think of is "That thing got a Hemmy?"

Rikki said...

Literaldan- To be honest, my brother is 6'8 and has the physique of an athlete (an Olympic one, but that's a post for another time), so he looks as if he may be hiding a Hemmy (that's horsepower right?). :)

Ferris Family said...

What a great story! I love it.

Frances said...

That is hilarious! Ugh. My dog just walked right past me and tooted. It smells like a dead skunk now. I suppose I should take him out.

The Mrs. said...

So, so funny. I love stories like this.

My brother was on a swim team (his niece, my daughter, has obviously inherited her father's family's swimming genes) and what I remember most about those meets was how LOUD they were. And hot too.

My "baby" brother didn't have the tpyical swimmer's physique - that is to say he sported a large round tummy protrouding over his speedo - but it served him well. All his competitors thought he'd certainly sink once in the water but he had the strongest arms and most endurance of them all. It was fun to watch their disbelief at his surprising speed.

Mrs4444 said...

Holy Cow. I'm amazed that he could recover from that. And I'm surprised that your mom lived past that day! All the same, it's a great story.