Wednesday, December 10, 2008

If I had a million dollars...

Inspired here by Barb a blog friend of mine, I decided to tell you all who made the "nice" list and what you are getting from me this year!

*drum roll please*

Starchy- For Christmas this year, you will be receiving a personal butler (a wrinkly old man, don't get your hopes up that Lucy Lu is going to waltz through the front door...perv.).  They will live with you and personally iron your clothes each night.  They will triple starch and get the iron nice and hot (just they way you like it).  Enjoy.

The Dude- For you I am building a giant indoor gym.  That way, when your boundless energy comes to a boiling point, you can run around like a chicken with your head cut off.  There will be climbing ropes and old school gym scooters as well.  Enjoy.

HP- I am getting you a jewelry box, filled with the best costume jewelry money can buy.  Because I have never seen a 3 year old so into accessories in all my life.  Enjoy.

Peanut-  I am getting you a daycare husband.  This way, when you have the "bride" dress on at daycare and none of your friends will marry you, you won't have to beg me as a last resort.  I promise he will play "prince".  Enjoy.

Swanny Jr.- I am getting you a temporary tattoo with Michael Jordan's head on it.  We are going to plant that sucker right on your bicep, tough-guy style.  The chicks are gonna dig it.  Enjoy.

Shmook-  For you, I am building "stairs to nowhere".  I figure you would love to have the opportunity to climb stairs to no end.  This way you can stop getting upset with me when I put the gate on the 3rd step up (I swear he is cursing me out in baby talk). Enjoy.

Sissy-  I have decided to turn all of the daycare meals into different flavors of milkshake.  This way you never have to suffer through eating food (blech!) and can drink all of your meals with a straw.  Enjoy.

Miss. Thang-  I have decided to appoint you "Boss of Daycare" for Christmas.  That way, when you are telling everyone what to play with/eat/sleep/breathe, they will actually listen.  Enjoy.

Francis-  For you, I am getting a Platinum Mastercard with no limit.  But don't you worry, credit cards are free money, so you don't have to pay it back.  Buy yourself some furs and diamonds.  No more wine tastes on a beer budget!  Enjoy.

Jen-  I am signing you up for a service that cooks your family a healthy dinner each night.  That way when Swanny is working, you can enjoy your evenings and maybe get an hour or two of solitude (and blog surfing) every once in a while.  That, and I am nervous that pretty soon all you will be eating is omelets. ;)  Enjoy.

Swanny-  I have set up a dinner for you with Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, Superman and J.A. Konrath.  I wanted to invite Harry Potter, but he had a scheduling conflict.  Enjoy.

Joanne-  For you, I have invented a travel pod with a direct line to the UK.  That way, when you are missing home, all you have to do is hop in and say the magic word.  You may have to lend it to my parents from time to time, but I told them you were nice like that.  Enjoy.

Kane-  You are getting socks.  I wanted to get you something cool, but you are always on the cutting edge so I went practical.  At least your feet will be warm right? I promise they won't be scratchy.  Enjoy.

Mom-  Much like Joanne's gift, I have decided to give you the gift of travel.  The only difference is yours is more "Star Trek" style.  You know, the whole "beam me up Scotty" thing.  Direct line from Toon-town to O-town.  Enjoy.

Dad-  I have bought you a house in the Bahamas AND it has a dishwasher.  That way you don't have to live where it is STUPID cold, and you can enjoy all of the modern comforts a dishwasher will bring!  Enjoy.

People who did not make the "nice" list:
Rod Blagojevich, Rex Grossman, Hillary Clinton & Sarah Palin



jen said...

Thanks so much Rikki....I'm hoping the gift arrives before the omletes get old. For you, I would give an unending supply of carpet potpourri to go with your beautiful vaccum lines. Also for you (well, for the kids, but you totally benefit) a child-sized treadmill to burn off some energy and guarantee some solid nap time. :)

Frances said...

Why didn't anyone comment on this? I'm calling you all out:-) How thoughtful and hilarious!

Mrs4444 said...

Wasn't that fun?! :)